Nostalgia Critic Reviews Peter Pan
by Deven711
Summary: My first Nostalgia Critic fan fiction. If this review is popular enough, it might even become a series, much like my AVGN fan fiction. NOTE: This story does not reflect my opinions on the Peter Pan play. I loved it as a kid and still love it now.


Go easy on me, alright? This is my first Nostalgia Critic fan fiction, and perhaps, the first Nostalgia Critic review on this site. I gave it my best shot, so try to enjoy it as much as you can.

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"Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to." said the Critic. "Peter Pan has to be one of the most famous storybook characters in the world. Since it was made in 1901, there were TV shows, movies, video games, and even an anime. However, there's one certain play that I would like to talk about. And that play is the 1960 Broadway Musical, Peter Pan."

"This play has to be the most famous Peter Pan play. It starred the late Mary Martin as Peter Pan and...that's about it. Anyway, kids really enjoyed this. Well, I've taken the time to watch it again and...well...WHY THE HELL DID I EVEN LIKE THIS?!"

"I mean, this play is just embarrassing to watch. It's just so kid-friendly and very little scenes make any sense. Wanna know how bad it is, see for yourselves."

"So we see the title and an Act I credit below it. Here the narrator explains the story."

_"Some say that as we grow up, we become different people at different ages. But I don't believe this."_

"Actually, that's very true, indeed!" said the Critic. "One example is Michael Jackson. He was popular in his 20s, but in his 30s, he got plastic surgery and became a child molester! Very true, indeed!"

_"We'll all be the same throughout the early passing of these years from one room to another, but always in the same house. If we unlock the rooms in the past, we can look in and see ourselves beginning to become you...and me."_

"Okay." said the Critic. "Unlocking the rooms in the past...? I tried that once and caught myself masturbating to Sailor Moon. Ah, what a kid I was!"

"So we are introduced to the three children stars in this play. They are Wendy, Michael, and John, just like in the original play. Here, Wendy and John dance while Michael begs the dog, Nana, not to put him to bed."

_Michael goes to the maid, Eliza._

_"Eliza, is it 6:00 yet?" asks Michael._

_"Yes." says Eliza._

_"Please, Nana! Do I have to go to bed?" Michael asks the dog._

"GRRRRRRRRR!" mocks the critic.

"So it turns out that the kids' parents are going to a ball as Wendy and John are pretending to be them." said the Critic. "Isn't cute to think we give a crap?"

"So, they dance and then they prepare for bed. But after they leave, the mother tells the father a strange secret."

_"George, tonight I saw a face at the window."_

"AAAAAAAAH!!" yelled the Critic. "THE BOOGEYMAN!!!"

_"It was the face of a little boy. He was trying to get in!"_

"Don't worry, that's probably Macualy Culkin looking for an acting role." said the Critic. He went silent for a moment. "KEEP HIM OUT AT ALL COSTS!"

"Apparently, this wasn't the first sighting of that boy, as he appeared through the window, but Nana chased him off. But the boy's shadow was left behind. And the mother kept the shadow in her beuraeu."

"So after she explains that, the kids come back and Nana accidentally steps on the father's knee. Nana is blamed, but she takes refuge in her doghouse. However, the father lures her out and chains her up. But Wendy has a bad feeling, as Nana smells danger. Nevertheless, the children are put to bed. But after the mother leaves, something mysterious occurs..."

_A flickering light flies everywhere._

_Suspenseful music plays as the window slowly opens._

"AAAAAAAH!" yells the Critic. "A poltergeist!"

_Peter Pan then flies in. Fairy dust spreading everywhere._

"Nevermind." said the Critic. "It's just some woman in green."

_"Tinkerbell...?" asks Peter Pan._

_The dog's barking is heard as he hides behind the curtains. Peter Pan comes out._

_"Tinkerbell?" he asks. "Tink! Where are you?" _

_He sees a flickering light in a vase. He goes over to it. _

_"There you are." he says. "Tink! Do come out of that jug!"_

"No!" mocked the Critic. "I'm taking a piss! Leave me alone!"

"But Tinkerbell does come out and reveals to Peter the location of his jug. Peter attempts to put it on with soap. But Wendy wakes up and sews the shadow onto Peter for him. Then, we see the play's first musical number."

The Critic sighs. "Oh boy..."

_"My shadow!" he shouts. "My very own shadow!" _

_"But it's only a shadow!" says Wendy._

"Yes, but it's all mine!" says Peter. "Oh, I'm clever! Oh, the cleverness of me!"

_"Of course, I did nothing!" says Wendy._

_"OF COURSE!" yells M. Bison from 'Street Fighter the Movie'._

_"You're conceited!" continues Wendy._

_"Conceited?" Peter asks. _

_Peter sings._

_Not me! It's just that I am what I am..._

_And I'm me!_

"Okay, before we skip to the next scene, There is this one scene that catches my eye the most. And that is during the bridge of the song, when Peter plays shadow puppets. What's going on? There's this little shadow figure eating these shadow fingers. Then, the shadow fist emerges into another shadow figure. The two fight and Peter rolls over and laughs. What the hell was that?" asked the Critic. "Oh well, who cares?"

"So after that, we learn that Peter ran away from home when he was born." said the Critic. "Okay, first of all, you can't become a little boy unless you grow up into one. So if Peter Pan never grew up, he'd be an infant. Fuck it, let's move on."

"Anyway, Peter mentions that he was raised by fairies, but that almost all of them are dead. He also explains the origin of the fairies."

_"You see, Wendy." says Peter. "When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about. And that was the beginning of fairies. So now every time a new baby is born, its first laugh becomes a fairy."_

"What?!" yelled the Critic. "That's bullshit! I thought fairies were formed whenever Chuck Norris masturbated!"

"So anyway, Peter also explains that fairies die whenever a child says 'I don't believe in fairies'. Wait a minute, if Peter just said that, why isn't Tinkerbell dying? Does he have to mean it? God, this is confusing! So after that, Peter introduces Wendy to Tinkerbell, who doesn't seem to like Wendy that much."

_"What did she say?" asks Wendy. _

_"She says you're a great ugly girl and she's mine." says Peter._

"OWNED, BITCH!" yells the Critic.

_"Tink, you know you can't be my fairy because I'm a gentleman and you're a lady!" says Peter to Tinkerbell._

_Tinkerbell flickers._

_"What did she say?" asks Wendy._

_"She says 'You silly ass.' "_

The Critic gasped. "A fairy curses?!"

"So, Peter shows Wendy where his home, Neverland, is, and...oh, god. ANOTHER SONG!?"

_Peter sings. _

_I have a place...where dreams are born, and time is never planned._

_It's not on any chart, you must find it with your heart. Never, Neverland._

"Skipping it." said the Critic.

"So, after that, Peter says that he lives with a group of other kids who ran away called 'The Lost Boys.' He then explains that he came to Wendy's window to hear their stories, which he then flies back to tell the boys. After Wendy tells him the story of Cinderella, Peter goes back to tell the boys, but Wendy stops him, telling him that she could come along with him for she knows a lot of stories. Peter then decides to teach her how to fly. Wendy goes to wake up John and Michael. But wait, someone comes and Peter hides. It turns out to be Nana and Eliza."

_"There. You see?" asks the maid. "They are perfectly safe and sound asleep in bed. Now no more! Go along, you naughty dog!"_

"So, they come out of hiding and they are taught how to fly by...song. AGAIN!"

"Anyway, after that, Peter sprinkles the kids with fairy dust and tells them to think lovely thoughts because they will help them fly."

_"Now think lovely thoughts!" says Peter. _

_"THINK LOVELY THOUGHTS!" says the kids._

_"Fishing!" says John._

_"Hopscotch!" says Wendy._

_"Candy!" says Michael._

_"Picnics!" says John._

_"Summer!" says Wendy._

_"Candy!" says Michael._

_"Sailing!" says John._

_"Flowers!" says Wendy._

_"Candy!" says Michael._

"Say 'candy' one more time!" threatens the Critic. "I dare you! I double dare you!"

_"I double dare you, motherf**ker!" says Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction._

_"Lovelier thoughts, Michael!" says Peter._

_"Christmas!" yells Michael._

"And Michael is immediately soaring into the air." said the Critic. "So then they get ready to go to Never, Neverland. John gets his hat, and Michael gets his teddy bear. And that's about it. So then they fly off. Then, the maid discovers them."

_"Where are you going?" asks Eliza._

"Oh come on, maid!" said the Critic. "Those kids are FLYING, and you ask as if they're running away!"

"Anyway, so they fly off and Act I ends." said the Critic.

* * *

"So, now onto Act II." said the Critic. "We finally arrive in Neverland, as the narrator describes the place."

_"Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. That is the way to Neverland." says the narrator. "If you close your eyes, you will see a pool of lovely, pale colors. If you squeeze them tighter, the pool will take on different shapes. And the colors become brighter. So bright, that in a moment, they'll go on fire. And in that moment, just before they do, you will see Neverland. A magic island on who sures children are forever at play."_

"Um...guess by this description, a little whisk of acid will help you find Neverland." said the Critic. "Or is it just me."

_A lion appears from behind the trees, marching toward the camera. It then scurries off._

"Umm...what was that?" the Critic asked himself.

_A kangaroo then comes and pulls a handerchief out of its pouch and waves it as if it is saying "Adieu." It then hops off._

"What the hell?" said the Critic. "What was THAT?"

_Then, a strange, pink, peacock-like creature walks in, making cocking noises._

The Critic mouths out the words, "What the f**k?" as he sees this strange animal.

"Wh...wh...WHAT IS THAT THING??!!" yelled the Critic. "It sounds like a rooster getting anal raped and looks like a...a...flamingo. No, a peacock. I-I'll just call it a flamingo-cock. There. Now I'm satisfied."

_Suddenly, some mysterious children sneak up from behind it._

"SHH!" said the Critic. "Be vewy vewy quiet. We're hunting strange-looking purple creatures!"

_The children sneak closer to it._

"Almost..." said the Critic.

_The kids almost grab it, but it runs off._

"Damn!" shouted the Critic.

_"Did you catch him?" asks one of the boys._

_"No, but look!" says the other boy as he showed him one of the bird's feathers._

"We got one of its feathers!" said the Critic. "We're having dinner tonight! You know flamingo-cock feathers are the greatest-tasting feathers in the world!"

The Critic laughed.

"No, seriously. It is." said the Critic.

_One of the other boys opens a door on a tree and it reveals a little kid with glasses inside._

_"Tootles, has Peter come back yet?" asks one of the boys._

"No." said the Critic. "Now go away! I'm reading Bunnicula!"

_"No he hasn't." says the little boy. "Maybe he's waiting to hear the end of Cinderella."_

"Cinderella marries Prince Charming and live happily ever after." said the Critic. "And then Disney makes a crappy sequel!"

_"But who will guard us from pirates and indians?!" he asks._

Yeah!" agreed the Critic. "And Michael Jackson!"

_"Ohh!" says another lost boy. "I'm not afraid of anything!"_

_"OHHH!!!" says the other boys as they push him over and play. _

_Suddenly, chanting is heard._

_"What's that?" asks one of the boys._

"Oh crap!" yelled the Critic. "It's PETA! They've come to sue us for chasing flamingo-cocks!"

_They soon hear them chant Captain Hook's name._

_"PIRATES!!" they yell._

"Or not." said the Critic.

The Critic is silent for a moment.

"CALL THE U.S. NAVY SEALS!!" he shouts.

_They hide inside trees as the pirates march and chant, "YOH-HO!" rhythmatically._

_In marches a pirate with a drum with a skull on it._

"Holy shit!" said the Critic. "That guy kinda resembles Chris Farley!"

_"Holy shnikeys!!" yells Chris Farley from Tommy Boy._

"So, nevermind. The pirates march in and chant yo-ho, and sing a very catchy pirate song."

_The pirates walk in carrying Captain Hook on a stretcher. Hook smiles at the camera._

"So anyway, they accidentally drop the stretcher, causing Hook to fall off." explained the Critic. "This pisses him off and makes him want to seek vengeance on the ones that dropped him. The pirates lie to him that it was the lost boys, and so, he plots to kill them. But most of all, he wants to kill Peter Pan, because, obviously, he cut off his arm. Okay, so Peter didn't, but a crocodile did, whom Hook had since feared. However, somehow, it swallowed a clock. So now when Hook hears ticking. He knows that it's near. Soon after we find that out, he discovers where the boys live. And so he calls his pirate henchman to play a tango to help him sing out his plan because, all evil villains do the tango to create evil schemes. Like uhh...umm...forget it. So, according to the song, he plans to give the boys a poison cake. After the song, the ticking crocodile comes in, Hook faints, and the pirates retreat."

_Smee is dragging the fainted Captain Hook_.

_"Don't leave me, Captain!" shouts Smee. "Don't leave me, Captain!"_

"I'll always love you, Captain!" mocked the Critic.

_The boys come out of hiding. _

_"They're gone!" says one of the boys._

_They then see an arrow._

_"INDIANS!!" they shout as they go back into hiding._

"Okay." said the Critic. "So now Indians are invading and the boys are hiding again. God, there sure is a lot of hiding in Neverland!"

_The boys hide back in the trees and walk off as the screen fades._

"Now why didn't you just walk off BEFORE?" asked the Critic. "At least that would've been safer!"

_A Native American woman comes out from the bushes. She looks around and sighs._

"Umm..." said the Critic. "What's going on now?"

_The woman signals to the background and they crawl out in a line as Native American drum music plays._

"Umm..." said the Critic. "An Indian dance?"

_"SHH!" the Indians say to the camera._

"Be vewy vewy quiet!" said the Critic. "We're...uhh...doing a wandom dance scene!"

_One of the Indians bump into the woman and they all scream._

"Holy shit, what was that?!" shouted the Critic.

_The woman shushes them._

_"Making too much noise!" says the woman._

"Wow, this Indian speaks good English!" said the Critic. "Unlike the ones at Microsoft!"

A sign came up that said "APOLOGIES TO INDIANS (AND NATIVE AMERICANS) EVERYWHERE!".

"So, anyway, they do the dance, which is too long to show, but entertaining to watch."

_"A-Gah-Wah-Gah-Wig-Wah!" says Tiger Lily._

_The other Indians repeat._

"Catchy." said the Critic.

"But then something bizarre happens at the end. Tiger Lilly crawls under the other Indians as they make yelping noises. They are shushed by their partners when suddenly, Tiger Lily screams and they start scrambling away from the scene as it fades."

The Critic is silent for a moment.

"Umm...what the hell was that?"

_Toodles comes out of the tree._

_  
"They're gone." he whispers._

_He then comes out but the Indians come back and catch him._

"EPIC FAIL, BITCH!" shouts the Critic.

"Toodles calls for help as the other boys run to his aide. The Indians come too, and this results in a tug-of-war battle." explains the Critic.

"Dear god, look at him!" said the Critic. "He looks like he's about to be ripped in half! Like in Jurassic Park II!"

_"Look!" exclaims one of the boys as he points up to the sky. "A bird!"_

_"A bird!" says everyone else as they also point upward._

_"Poor Wendy!" a voice says._

_Wendy is seen flying across._

_"Poor Wendy!" she repeats._

"Okay." said the Critic. "So it's a girl."

The Critic is silent for a moment.

"Shoot her anyway!" he yells.

_"It's a Wendy-bird!" says one of the boys._

"Umm..." says the Critic. "How dumb are these kids? When they fell out of their carriages, it must've given them brain damage!"

"The Indians think it's a bad omen and they shriek and run away." said the Critic.

"As for the boys, though, they shoot her down to show Peter."

_"I shot the Wendy!" says the boy who fired._

"I killed da wabbit!" says the Critic.

"So Peter returns and the animals dance in with yellow flags. Wow. Even the animals are pleased with his return! But he isn't. When he finds out that they shot Wendy down, he attempts to attack the boy who shot the arrow, but Wendy's arm stops him as it turns out that she is alive. The arrow, instead, hit one of her buttons. Wow. That's pretty lucky."

_"Are you asleep, Wendy?" asks Peter._

_She gets up and nods her head._

"Wow." said the Critic. "Either she's stubborn or those boys knocked her the **** out!"

"So they decide to build a house for her and put it over her." continued the Critic.

_Peter sings._

_Let's be quiet as a mouse_

_And build a lovely little house_

_For Wendy, All For Wendy_

_She's up to stay_

_The boys continue._

_And be our mother, at last, we have a mother!_

"Wait a minute!" yells the Critic. "Why are John and Michael singing along! Isn't she their sister? That's just...stupid!"

"Anyway, after they finish the house, Wendy finally recuperates and happily obliges to be their mother. They then happily dance and sing more when the pirates set their trap. The boys spot the cake, but Wendy refuses to let them have it. This angers Hook, as he sets another plan. And decides to sing...what this time?"

_"A tarantella!" says Hook._

_"A tarantella!" agrees Smee._

"So this time, Hook plans to capture Wendy and the boys and make them walk the plank." said the Critic.

_At the end, they start chanting something as they walk out of the scene._

"Um...shit to the shit?" asks the Critic.

_"To the ship." says Hook as he walks out._

"OH!!" said the Critic.

"So the next scene is in the woods." said the Critic. "The Indians find a feather, say something, and then drop it. The pirates find the feather and go after the Indians. The boys then come running in and...um...sing another song."

_Peter sings._

_I won't grow up!  
_

_The boys repeat._

_I won't grow up!_

_Peter sings._

_I don't wanna go to school._

_The boys repeat._

_I don't wanna go to school._

"Listen to this!" exclaimed the Critic. "They are supposed to be mocking the adults, yet the way they sing the second line just sounds more like they're mocking their own age group! It's like if George W. Bush started making chimpanzee noises!"

"So, after the song, the pirates return, having captured Tiger Lily." said the Critic. "They tie her to a tree, but Peter does his imitation of Captain Hook and tricks the pirates into freeing Tiger Lily. Hook is confused and begins to think that there is a spirit haunting the forest. Peter, of course, pretends to be a spirit, and then disguises himself as a woman in a robe. Hook falls in love and sings to 'her', and gets his pirates to remove her robe and see what she looks like. But it is Peter Pan. This results in a huge chase, eventually ending with the Indians chasing off the pirates. Peter Pan and the Indians celebrate happily as they forever become allies. Well, hopefully."

"So, Peter and the Indians go to the boys' hideout in celebration of their victory. But the others are still afraid of the Indians. To help them overcome their fears, they...sing. Yep. Sing. Again."

"So, after that, the Indians go outside to keep watch for pirates as Peter and Wendy continue to play mother and father and tuck the kids to bed. Peter sings a lullabye. But Michael has something to say."

_"Wendy?" asks Michael. "I'm homesick."_

"I'm sick, too." said the Critic. "OF THIS MOVIE! Or...play, rather."

"So, the three children make the arrangements to go back home. The lost boys hate to see them leave."

_"Dear ones." says Wendy. "If you come with me, I'm sure my mother and father would adopt you."_

_The lost boys cheer._

"Are you fucking kidding me?" asked the Critic. "You really think that any parent would be crazy enough to adopt six more kids? Not to mention being adopted by a self-centered, thoughtless father who blames his troubles on other people! If I had kids and they brought that many kids with them, asking me to adopt them, I'd shriek and jump out of a window! It's just...insane!"

"So, anyway, the boys are about to bid Peter farewell, when..."

_Outside the hideout, the pirates attack the screaming Indians._

"PIRATES!!" shouts the Critic.

"So, anyway, Peter and the children are hiding, when they hear the Indians' tom-tom. They celebrate and say goodbye. Wendy tells Peter to promise to come and see her again and gives him some medicine: a glass of milk."

The "got milk?" logo appears.

"The children leave the hideout and set off to London, where they live happily ever after."

The camera zoomed in quickly on the Critic's face.

"OR DO THEY?" said the Critic.

"No, they do not." said the Critic. "It turns out that the Indians were actually defeated, and the pirates capture the children. Then, when Peter isn't looking, Hook goes into the hideout and poisons the medicine with...red food coloring."

"Tinkerbell flies over to tell Peter what had happened." continued the Critic. "She also tells Peter of the poisoned medicine."

_"Poison?" asks Peter. "Nonsense! Who could've poisoned it?"_

"You idiot!" yelled the Critic. "Look at it! It's RED! It used to be white!"

"So, when Peter goes to sharpen his dagger to save the children, Tinkerbell starts drinking the poison. I wish I could drink that poison right now."

"So Tink begins dying and Peter starts grieving."

_"Tink..." cries Peter. "Dear Tink! You're dying!"_

_Tinkerbell flickers._

_"Your light is growing faint, and if that goes out, you're dead!" says Peter. "Your voice is so low, I can scarcely hear what you're saying!"_

_Tinkerbell flickers slowly._

_"You think...you could get well again..." says Peter. "If children believed in fairies..."_

_Peter then goes to the camera._

_"Do you believe?" Peter asks to the camera._

"No." said the Critic. "I believe in furries, though. Those guys are everywhere on Halloween!"

_"Oh please, please believe!" pleads Peter._

"No!" yells the Critic. "Now stop pestering me and go on with the play!"

_"If you believe..." says Peter. "Wherever you are, clap your hands and she'll hear you."_

"No." says the Critic. "You'll have to accept the fact that she is dead. Now move on."

_"Clap!" yells Peter. "CLAP! Don't let Tink die! CLAP!"_

"Hahaha." chuckled the Critic. "It's funny to watch you suffer."

Suddenly, Chester A. Bum walked in.

"I want Tinkerbell to get better!" said Chester. "Wow! The movie is talking to me! All movies have people that talk to you! Oh my God! This is the greatest movie I've seen in my life!"

Chester starts clapping.

"Stop it." said the Critic.

_"She's getting better!" says Peter. "Clap!"_

Suddenly, the Nostalgia Chick joined in.

"You can do it, Tinkerbell!" she shouted.

Then, ThatGuyWithTheGlasses joined in.

"What?" asked the Critic. "Stop it!"

_"CLAP!" shouts Peter excitedly._

Benzaie joined in. And then Linkara. And then Aussie.

"What the hell?" asked the Critic. "Stop that!"

_"She's getting better!" yells Peter._

Everyone but the Critic started chanting.

"TINKERBELL! TINKERBELL! TINKERBELL! TINKERBELL!"

_"OHH!" exclaims Peter. "She's all well, now!"_

Everyone but the Critic cheered.

_"Oh, thank you!" says Peter. "Thank you."_

Everyone, but the Critic, said "You're Welcome!" and left.

"Greatest movie ever!" yelled Chester.

_"And now to rescue Wendy!" cries Peter as he grabs his dagger and climbs up the ladder._

"And that is the end of Act II." said the Critic. "Only one act left. Thank god!"

* * *

"So Act III begins and it takes place on the Jolly Roger, where Hook and his pirates are...torturing the kids and taking their...teddy bears."

"I stole two teddy bears! I'm the baddest pirate in the sea!"

"Oh, and I forgot to mention one thing." said the Critic. "What is up with the music in this scene, I mean, it starts as evil, creepy pirate music, and then shifts into chaotic music, and then shifts into relaxing violin music. God, even the music is having a mental breakdown from this annoying play!"

"So, as the kids are getting tossed around by the pirates, Captain Hook is relaxing with Smee, poeticizing about the night. Then, he starts monologing about how great he is and how he has 'reached his peak' and how he is the greatest villain of all time. He and his pirates then go into song about how great he is."

_Captain Hook sings. _

_Who's the swiniest swine in the world?_

"It's a tie between every Mexican!" answered the Critic.

A sign came up that read "APOLOGIES TO MEXICANS EVERYWHERE!"

_The pirates sing._

_Captain Hook! Captain Hook!_

"Yeah, this song is pretty much all about Hook." said the Critic. "And it's pretty violent."

_Captain Hook sings._

_"Captain of villainy, murder and luch!" _

"He even shoots someone!" said the Critic.

_Captain Hook aims a pistol over his shoulder and shoots one of the pirates. Everyone cheers._

"You know, for kids!" said the Critic.

"So, after the song. Hook and his pirates take the kids and Wendy to the plank, but are interrupted by a sudden ticking sound. Hook gets scared and goes into hiding with Smee. The ticking is not the croc, but Peter as he climbs on and hides his crew, which include the Indians, the animals, the maid- Wait a minute!"

A record scratch was heard.

"What the hell is the maid doing here?" asked the Critic. "Isn't she a grown-up? Then how did she get into Neverland? Did she just pick up some leftover fairy dust and follow them to Neverland? Did Peter fly back to the nursery to get her? What happened? It makes no sense!"

"Anyway, moving on. Peter hides everyone when a pirate spots him and-"

_Right before the pirate attacks Peter, he shushes him and has him and the other pirates follow him inside the ship._

The Critic just sat there open-mouthed.

"What the hell just happened?" asked the Critic. "Are the pirates really that stupid? God, I feel like I'm watching 'The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog' for crying out loud!"

"So, anyway, a shriek and a crow are heard, and Captain Hook sends his other pirates to find out what it is. After a death and a suicide by one of the scared pirates, Hook goes in himself and becomes terrified. The pirates and the boys volunteer that he go in, but they decide to let the kids in instead. Then, Peter comes back out disguised as a pirate as they have Wendy walk the plank, but then...

_"There is nothing that can save you now, missy!" shouts Hook._

_"There is one, though!" calls a recognizable voice._

_Hook turns around and sees Peter Pan._

_"And who is that?" asks Hook._

_"Peter Pan the Avenger!" yells Peter._

"Yes, that's right." said the Critic. "Peter Pan comes in and chaos ensues. The boys, the Indians, the animals, and the maid come out of hiding and start attacking the pirates. After they are all defeated, the final showdown between Peter Pan and Captain Hook begins."

_"Proud and inpudent youth, prepare to meet thy doom!" cries Hook as he prepares for battle._

_"Dark and sinister man, have at thee!" cries Peter._

"So the two sword-fight and Peter Pan is supposedly the winner. Hook seeths over his loss."

_"Pan, who and what art thou?" asks Hook._

_"I am youth! I am joy! I am freedom!" cries Peter._

"God, is that what he is?" asks the Critic. "That sounds like the description of Superman!"

"Anyway, Hook plans to blow up the ship and Peter fetches the crocodile." said the Critic. "Hook comes back and starts threatening the kids as he plants his bomb."

_"There'll be a holocaust of children!" yells Hook._

"You know, for kids!" said the Critic.

"So, Hook discovers the croc and slides himself down the plank, the croc going after him. Peter throws the bomb off the ship and everyone's saved. So then, they celebrate by carrying Peter Pan on Hook's stretcher and rounding up the pirates. Then, Pan sings 'I've Gotta Crow' again in another embarrassing musical. So, thankfully, the song ends early and everyone leaves. But wait! The maid comes and asks Peter to teach her how to crow. So, the song continues as Peter teaches her and she crows. Moving on."

"Back at the nursery, Nana is woeing about the missing children and the father took her doghouse out of remorse for chaining her up. They do fly back, singing the same lullabye from Act I, bringing the lost boys with them. Wendy and the mother ask the father to adopt them. And...believe it or not, HE ACCEPTS!"

"You'd have to be out of your f**king mind to adopt that many kids!" yells the Critic.

"So, the kids sing a reprisal of 'We Won't Grow Up' with the parents, and the kids are tucked to bed. Wendy looks up into the sky, hoping that Peter will return soon. She goes back and they live happily every after."

The camera zoomed in on the Critic's face. "Or do they?" he asked.

"Sometime later, Peter Pan does fly back into the nursery to get Wendy."

_"Peter, are you expecting me to fly away with you?" asks Wendy._

_"Of course!" answers Peter. "That's why I came! Have you forgotten it's spring cleaning time?"_

_"I can't come, I've forgotten how to fly!" _

_"I'll teach you again!"  
_

_"No, Peter." says Wendy. "Don't waste your fairy dust on me."_

_Peter stops._

_  
"What's the matter?" asks Peter. _

_Wendy stands up._

_"I'm old, Peter." says Wendy._

Dramatic music plays. DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" yells the Critic. "That's can't be!"

_"That's not true!" yells Luke Skywalker from Star Wars Episode V. "That's impossible!"_

"It turns out that Wendy grew up a long time ago, and that Peter was much too late. This is too much for Peter, as he goes into denial and bursts into tears. But then, Wendy's child, Jane rises out of bed."

"Boy, why are you crying?" asks Jane.

"Peter bows to Jane and introduces himself. It turns out that Jane has heard tales about him and has been waiting for him and asks to be taught how to fly. So Peter teaches her how and Wendy returns, begging Peter to take her with him. But Peter refuses, saying that she's too grown up. Wait a minute!"

A record scratch is heard.

"If adults aren't allowed in Neverland, then how did the maid get there? That doesn't make...fuck it, I'll make up my own explanation."

The Critic explains.

"Peter needed help in getting the boys back so he flew back into London to find more boys. But instead, he ended up flying back to the nursery where the maid bribed him to take her to Neverland with him. There. Now I'm satisfied."

"So, anyway, Peter Pan sings one more song, which is the reprisal of 'Never, Neverland', where he and Jane fly off into Neverland as Wendy waves goodbye. The end."

"So what do I think of this play?" asked the Critic. "IT SUCKED!"

"Nothing makes any sense, nothing was proof-read, the songs are embarrassing to hear, and it's just...WEIRD! It's like what you'd get when you fused the story of Peter Pan with LSD, marijuana, and every other drug in the world! This play just plain sucked!"

"This play should never be seen unless you have nothing better to do or are high off your ass! It's that bad! There are many good plays worthwhile out there like uhh...umm...uhh. I don't know any, okay?" exclaimed the Critic. "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to!"

The Critic got out of his chair and left from the camera's view.

The 'The End' credit showed in front of a black background with the credits and the trademarks as "I've Gotta Crow" played in the background.


End file.
